thinking aloud...

lately, i have developed this disconcerting habit of blurting out my thoughts to no one in particular — you know, the kind you make when you're running a mental conversation with yourself.



now this isn’t really much of a big deal when you’re in the confines of your own room. or at least when there’s no one else around to hear you argue with yourself. but when you’re in the middle of the street muttering unintelligible phrases, chances are you'll notice bystanders giving you strange looks and people giving you a wide berth as you pass by.

i wouldn't be surprised if one of these days some baffled soul will come right out and accuse me of having a split personality or something. or maybe squeeze me into a straight-jacket and put me in a padded cell somewhere.

i guess it comes from living so long on my own. sometimes silence can be a bit unnerving, so i have this compulsion to fill the gap with some chatter — any sound — to remind myself that somehow i’m still a functioning human being who’s still capable of producing certain sounds. or something to that effect.

the view from my window

[note: another sample of my early efforts at blogging]


i'm back in the office, and every time i pass by the window i get this urge to drop everything and go someplace else where no one knows me and just spend the whole day writing about whatever comes to mind. it gets even worse when i go to the cafeteria or the restroom, where every familiar object reminds me of how much i'm missing. yeah, i know i need a break -- not just some weekend spree to punctuate my weekly routine, i mean a lengthy respite where

i can review what i've done so far, and hopefully, to start missing what i'm doing currently (uh-huh).

don't get me wrong. i still love my work, i'd still prefer it from any other day job i could pick up right now. it's just that i seem to doing the same things forever and my attention span has gone progressively shorter; worse, a few things that never appealed to me before are now beginning to look and sound attractive (aaarrghh!). i think i'm reaching a point where i can no longer recognize myself (which is scary because i've always felt that one of my stronger points was that i knew myself well enough to be comfortable with my off-the-wall quirks and all that stuff).

years ago, i made this pact with myself that, after a certain length of time -- when earning $$ would no longer be a paramount object -- i'd go off somewhere quiet where i could nurture some parts of me (chiefly the creative side, i think) that had been neglected along the way.

maybe i'm fast approaching that point, or maybe i've been too optimistic in thinking that i could just keep these things locked up in a suitcase while i'm off doing other things for awhile...

making a headstart

[note: below is the first entry i ever posted in online -- i wrote this back in 2005, when i was blundering my way around the blogosphere.]

hmm... finally, my own space!

i feel like i've just been given a set of keys to my own special tower. i don't know how long this is gonna last folks (hopefully, a long time) but i intend to make the most of it.

for some reason i like the idea of having my own blog without having to conform to somebody's idea of what a good composition should look like (heheh). it's like i have this separate piece of me that has a life of its own but still have enough space for me to visit regularly whenever i feel like submerging myself into something different and 'removed' from my daily grind.

okay ... enough of that.

at the moment i'm deeply immersed in my work that sometimes it feels like i'm losing parts of me along the way and there's this panicky feeling inside that's sounding a warning bell -- i gotta get out of this rut! i think i'm losing my sense of balance (which is important for me) and i really don't want things to reach a level where i'll be forced to do something drastic just to see changes. i don't know, i'm probably just feeling a bit out of my depth at the moment... hmm.

i'm in one of my "blue" funks, so i'll probably watch a few Seinfeld episodes later to 'perk' me up. either that or one of the anime series i bought two weeks ago. they're like my daily dose of alternative reality, just to provide myself a sort of balance from what i usually do in the office.

another drawer...

i'm opening another drawer... figuratively and literally.

my other blogspot page has been neglected long enough -- and basically hijacked by unscrupulous parties. i suppose i could bitch about it until the cows come home, but since that would avail me nothing at all, i have decided to create another blog.

hopefully this one will fare better than its predecessors.

note: i guess i can't bear to let go of my old posts, which have been an essential part of my transformation from a blundering newbie to a reasonably assured blogger, so i'll be posting them from time to time (i.e., when i get stumped, which happens every now and then with amazing regularity).